“But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” Job 2:10 ESV
Each Tuesday, for the past three plus months I’ve been sharing posts from others that I’ve found encouraging. Thank you to all who took the time to read here and to support the respective bloggers. Lord willing next week we will continue on this vein.
Today, I want to share one lesson Abba taught me that has been resonating with me.
On September 3 of last year, Anthony and I committed to entering a phase of courtship which we trusted would ultimately lead to our marriage to each other. This decision came about after much prayer and fasting together and alone; honest discussion with each other as friends about our past and expected future before coming to this juncture; and seeking counsel from the trusted members of our respective circles.
We both had our own share of tumultuous (and even non-existent) relationships in the past and knew that we wanted only ABBA’s best. We earnestly sought the Lord before we agreed to enter courtship and after making the decision to move forward, we consistently placed the state of our relationship before the Lord trusting that He would fit all the pieces together since we were sure the end goal was marriage.
For a while, things appeared to begin falling into place. Deandra was finally getting her knight in shining armor. I was happy, hopeful, ecstatic. Anthony and I spoke several times a day. We would sit and talk for hours on end. Sleep? Who needed this 😉
Sadly, this type of communication and fellowship did not last. On April 7th of this year, Anthony made the decision to end the relationship. When asked his reason, all he could furnish was that he felt as though the faucet stopped running. I asked if I did anything to hurt the relationship and his response was no. He left me with what appeared to be no remorse, and no explanation. To say I was devastated would have been an understatement. I felt as though apart of me was irreparably crushed. For many weeks following I felt like a zombie. The agony of losing a man that my family was introduced to as my betrothal left me with sorrow upon sorrow.
The months which ensued did not bring me lasting relief. I was hopeful Anthony would have returned, and we would have been able to patch things up. I asked the Lord repeatedly what went wrong and so far was given this one phrase from Job 1:21 that I had to cling to over and over.
“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away”
“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away”
Was it the Lord who took this relationship away from me? Did I misunderstand Him in moving forward with this relationship? Where did I go wrong?
Questions like these plagued me over and over. At nights, sleep was elusive to me. The sanctuary of my bedroom that was dedicated to Abba when this house was bought felt like Ichabod. I felt alone. I felt unloved. I felt abandoned.
Most recently, the Lord after hearing my heart’s repeated cries for answers, and dealing with the plethora of questions my soul produced spoke to the deepest parts of my heart:
“I must have veto power in your life.”
You see, as a Christian, part of the tenet of my faith is believing that Jehovah is Sovereign. It is easy to declare His Sovereignty when we see things happening in nature, the scriptures unfolding daily in our world, and even in some matters that leave us baffled at times. But what about in our own personal lives? What about when life doesn’t happen the way we expected or the way we prayed? What about when we felt that we were led down one path only to discover this path led to severe stripping, to intense pain, to immeasurable turmoil? Do we still trust His Sovereignty?
What about when we have fine tuned our decisions and are en route to accomplishing them? Do we like Jesus declare, Nevertheless not my will but thine will be done. Are we willing to allow for Him to interrupt and veto our plans, especially after we have given careful consideration to every single detail?
As I look back today, I still don’t know why Anthony ended our relationship. I want to know, I think it would help me to move on quicker or maybe not. Whatever the case though, I am at peace. I trust that my Abba took veto power and I am exactly where He wants me to be, and so is Anthony.
Like Job, I do not have the answer why devastation struck. I do not know why what I perceived as the Lord’s go ahead in this path ended up with me being jilted. I do not know why the relationship that He allowed to give me such joy, left me with such sorrow.
I do know though, that like Job, I must be willing to accept good, and bad from the hands of my Sovereign Daddy. I must be willing to trust His nature, especially when things in my nature appear contrary. I do know too that I must trust His plans for my life, and those around me. Though I felt slain mentally and emotionally, I choose to trust Him, even if He doesn’t let me in on why this kind of loss had to come my way.
Philippians 1:6, ESV: “And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
Finally, I will continue to allow Abba to have veto power in every area of my life! How about you?